Devastated

I am completely devastated by Christ’s love. I’ve just experienced something... I can’t explain it. I don’t know what it’s about, or what God’s doing. But I don’t think I’ve ever felt or understood God in such a powerful way.

There really aren’t words. For chapel today, we did hymns and no preaching. It was all hymns. And God started doing something... I don’t know what that something is. It’s like He started tearing open my heart, my soul, my spirit and just started tearing away everything. He’s shredding everything I’ve ever know, everything I’ve ever thought...It’s like He’s rebuilding, reshaping. And I’ve never felt more pain, sorrow, joy, remorse, excitement, fear, in my life. I don’t know what He’s doing, and I’m not sure what everything means yet. But something monumental changed in me today.

There’s two things that He made clear to me, and incredibly clear... The first is that He’s taking everything I’ve ever known and tearing it apart. He’s doing open heart surgery, He’s uncovering the deepest parts of me that I never knew existed, He’s penetrating to the very core of my being. And all because HE LOVES ME. He’s ripping out every idea, every way of thinking, every sin, every soul tie, every hurt and fear, and He’s refilling. He’s remodeling. He’s pushing through to the very essence of who I am and changing everything, and it’s breathtaking.

The second thing that’s is crystal clear to me is that, He’s about to show me a completely different side of Himself. I don’t know what it is yet.. but I know today was just a glimpse-He made that clear, it’s just a glimpse-of this new side, this new thing He’s doing. But there’s so much more... There’s something going on deep below the surface and I can’t quite grasp what it is. What it is, it’s changing me in every way it possibly could. It’s like I have no idea about anything anymore. I’ve completely ripped open by the creator of the universe and it’s impossible to explain.

One thing that I was very aware of was that, while this happened during worship, and still am in this very moment, I was overwhelmed by His love for me. I was terrified, I was scared, I was shaken to the core, my world was flipped completely upside down, and I knew that He loved me. All during this ripping open process, I kept hearing Him say, “I love you. I’m doing this because I love you. Let me in, I love you. Let me have everything ounce, every inch of you. I love you.” And it shouldn’t surprise me at all, this is exactly what I’ve been asking for. This is exactly why I’m here. I want God to consume me. To fill every crack, to invade every part of me. But this was so not what I was expecting-in the best way possible. This is challenging everything I’ve ever known, everything I’ve ever thought. It’s like God re-introducing me to myself. He’s recreating me, and it’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I don’t know what it all means, I have no idea what comes next...but I know this isn’t over. Oh no. This is just the beginning of something unimaginable. This is just a glimpse.

‘God, I don’t know what your doing. And I know I’m not supposed to. All I know is that you love me, and this is going to be the most challenging experience of my life. But you’re making me into someone I didn’t think I could ever be. You’re opening my eyes to things I thought I could never see. And I’m ready. I say Yes. Take every ounce, every inch, I don’t want it. Invade every part of my life, Jesus. I’m devastated by Your love.’